Aug 7, 2010

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Secrets to finding real love

Secrets to finding real love

Secrets to finding real love

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.  With the kind of work that I do, I work with a lot of people with emotional issues.  Recently, I have had people coming to me asking them to coach them in their dating.  Up until this point, most of the relationships they have had haven’t gone well at all.  It seems everyone is looking for love, but most people do not understand what real love is. It’s sad to say many never experience it in their life.  My husband and I will celebrate our 30th anniversary in a few weeks.  Even after 30 years of spending our lives together we are hopelessly in love.  I am married to an amazing man and the love of my life. Not that we haven’t had our struggles; everyone does, but I chose well when I was dating.  We have 3 happily married children, whom we’ve taught certain things about how and who to date. I would like to share that with you in hopes that if you are at the point in your life where you would like to settle down and have a family, you might find a person that you enjoy, are compatible with and are still in love years later.

Be who you are!!!!

I love the line in the movie “Fools rush in” when he says, “What is dating anyway? For the first 3 months you try to impress each other and the next you find out who they really are.” Such a true statement.  Why do we do this?  You need to always be who you are!!  This would make life so much easier for people if they would do this.  I was told of a story recently of a couple that while they were dating, the guy was everything he knew the girl wanted to get the girl.  Once married, he was who he really was, much to the unhappiness of his new wife.  She thought she was marrying this outgoing guy, only to find out he preferred to stay home and not do a whole lot.  I will be surprised if this marriage lasts.  When people are first dating, they are on their best behavior.  When our children came to us and told us that they wanted to get married, we would ask them this question.  If you took all this person’s qualities and cut them in half, would you still want to marry them?  Be who you are. If someone is trying to change you, THEY DON’T LIKE YOU!!!  Move on.  In the “Mastery of Love,” there is a chapter on trying to make a dog a cat.  The dog is always going to be a dog and a cat is always going to be a cat. We don’t expect a cat to be a dog or the other way around, and yet we do this all the time in relationships.  Be who you are and if it doesn’t work out, it wasn’t meant to be.

 

Wish list

I am a firm believer in making a man/woman wish list.  When our youngest daughter was in a place where she began to think about the man she wanted to marry, she made a very detailed list of the type of man she wanted to be with.  She had dated guys that made her realize what she didn’t want.  She told me she use to think that lists were dumb, but after dating enough guys that were sub-standard she realized that she needed to make the list of what she did want in a partner.  The categories she had where in this order: spiritual, personality, family qualities, looks, other qualities, and bonus.  She was very, very specific.  By doing this, energetically she put things into motion.  My daughter is very beautiful and personality wise, she is so sweet. I don’t know anyone that doesn’t just love her. She sat home many a Friday and Saturday nights because she was picky about whom she dated.  She only dated people with her same standards and that had the qualities she was looking for; it paid off because not very long after she made this list, her husband Curt showed up.  He had all but 2 of the qualities on the very long list she had.  They have been married for 4 years and you would think they are still on their honeymoon.  She says they laugh non-stop and I don’t think they have ever fought. She never dated to date.  Note; never, ever share your list with anyone!!  Wait until you are married and then share, again you don’t want some one to do what is on the list just to be with only to find they are really a different person.

Predator-Prey

One thing that I am seeing a lot of is women that are so aggressive.  I know that many believe that times have changed and that it is perfectly fine for woman to ask men out, but so many men are tired of this.  They have said men are supposed to be the predators and women are supposed to be the prey.  I am a firm believer in this.  Now, I am a strong woman, but I see the beauty in this.  Ladies, I want to let you in on a secret; MEN WANT WHAT THEY CAN’T HAVE!!!  The forbidden, the untouchable.  The women that I have coached to let the guy contact them first, be the predator, can’t believe the response they have received from men.  There is nothing wrong with putting yourself in a man’s path, but they need to ask you out and pursue you.  Which leads me to the topic of intimacy.  This is another thing I am shocked at. People share this with anyone and everyone.  I come from the generation where you wait till you get married and we raised our children to do the same.  But, not everyone has this same belief. So, my rule when working with someone is; they have to wait until the relationship becomes exclusive.  My oldest daughter has her degree in psychology and this is a statistic that she shared with me.  For every man that a woman sleeps with, it increases her chance of divorce when she does get married.  If she sleeps with 8 or more the chances of her marriage lasting is something like .001%.  Not good odds.  Intimacy for women is emotional, for most men it is physical.  That is why this statistic is so profound.  Makes you think.  When this rule is implicated, especially by women, the women come back and share with me that the men always say how much they respect the woman for that choice.  Another problem with intimacy right away is it clouds your judgment on compatibility and other issues. I had a guy say to me that he felt he had to sleep with a girl otherwise the girl would think that there was something wrong with her.  Are you kidding me?  If a woman believes this, she has little to no respect for herself and is not confident in the other qualities she possesses. Did you know that the number one quality that a man is attracted to is a confident woman? And guy’s…if a girl is jumping into bed with you in the first few dates, then she is doing that with everyone else. If the person you are dating can’t wait, then all they are interested in you for is sex.  If you are looking for a meaningful and permanent relationship, move on!!  One last thing ladies; There are women that men date and women that they marry.  The women they just want to sleep with are women they date.  When it comes time to settle down, a man wants a woman that hasn’t been with many men and is a little more conservative. Most men do not like to share and do not like their stuff out there.  They are also looking at this woman and thinking about her being the mother of his children.  They have a much different perspective when it comes to choosing the woman they want to spend the rest of their life with.  It is interesting what women think men want verses what men actually want.   One last thing on compatibility; We taught our kids that if you were intimate everyday, that would take at most 1 hour, if you can’t get along the other 23 hours, you will be miserable.  The physical is meant to be the frosting on the cake, not the foundational.

Dating and Marrying up

I have always taught that both people need to feel like they are the luckiest girls or guys to be with the person they are with.  This is dating up. If this couple decides to get married, they tend to have more successful marriages.  I remember when I first met my husband, Lyndon.  When he walked into a room, everyone noticed, both men and women. Not only was he (and still is) incredibly handsome, but very successful. I remember thinking; someone like him could never be interested in someone like me.  That is the kind of person you really want to try and date.  When you date up, there is an appreciation for this person and you are thinking about pleasing them, instead of thinking of yourself.  The true definition of love is giving.  When you first start dating someone, you want to do things for him or her.  You are excited to please them.  Unfortunately, if you are not truly in love with someone, you no longer do the things you once did for him or her when you first started dating.

You can’t change anyone!!

The only person you can change is you!!! If you think you are going to meet someone and change him or her, you are kidding yourself!  Yes, people will change for a moment, but they always go back to whom they are unless they have the desire to make that change on their own.  When dating someone, you want to choose people that make you want to be a better person.  Your goal is to always strive to be your highest and best self.  If someone is bringing out your worst qualities and you fight a lot, you probably don’t want to be with that person.  My husband recently had lunch with two friends and both complained about how horrible their wives were.  They were absolutely miserable.  The sad part is, when they were dating, it was that way.  Why you would marry someone that makes you miserable makes no sense to me.  Lyndon came home in total gratitude, recognizing how much fun we have together, that I don’t yell and scream at him or treat him poorly.  It is always important to work on your personal growth and development.  Did you know your personal income will never exceed your personal growth and development?  This is a pretty good reason to work on this.  You also have the person that is so interested in a person’s look that they can’t see their bad qualities.  They date for a while and she/he starts to see the qualities everyone has warned that person about, but doesn’t want to admit that everyone was right about this person.  Their pride keeps them from getting out so they continue to try and change them only to fail.  If this is you, cut your losses and next time focus on the inside.  Remember looks fade and it is not the basis for a lasting relationship!!!

Things to pay attention too

I am a why person. I love to try and understand why people do what they do.  I have spent time around many, many people. A couple of things that I taught my girls when they started dating is to pay attention to how a guy treats his mom, how his dad treats his mom, and that you will have one of those two relationships. I have yet to see this not the case.  If a guy is disrespectful to his mom, he will eventually treat you that way.  If the father is disrespectful, demanding, and just treats his wife bad, so may the son.  That is the example he had and so that is what he views as normal.  In our home, if anyone disrespected Lyndon or myself, they were toast.  He loves me and treats me with the utmost respect and expects everyone else to.  In turn, it is my responsibility to respect him too.  I have seen people get into it in public and that is so disrespectful to one another.  When respect goes out of the relationship, there is little left.  Respect is essential.

If you are a person that wants to have a family, pay attention to how the person you are dating is with children.  If you are a guy that would like a woman that is nurturing, this is a great way to see that particular quality.

Unfortunately, in our society, many people do not know what a healthy relationship looks like.  They get married only for it to end in divorce.  I highly recommend the book “The Mastery of Love” by Don Miguel Ruiz.  This book will teach you so much about what love really is and what a healthy successful relationship looks like.  It will help you in your dating to attract a higher quality of people and to also be happy with yourself.  After all, if you don’t love you, how do you expect anyone else too!!  There is nothing like having a person in your life that loves you unconditionally, who is always there no matter what and in my case, always makes me laugh, even in difficult times.  I hope this information will bless those of you looking for a healthy relationship!

  1. Tracie Eberle Day says:

    I really appreciate what is said above. I just went through a divorce & my husband cheated on me with a girl we knew. This has opened my eye to that I wasn’t thee problem nor the reason for his acts to cheat but that I didn’t have my expectations high enough when I started dating him. He treated his mom poorly & his dad a cheater too !! I’m going to make my wish list of what my expectations are or what I want in my next date & relationship. Thank you for opening my eyes. I’m going to start respecting myself & loving whom I am !!

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